The year 2015 is ending in a day and we would continue the journey into 2016. If I were to believe that the time zones — past, present and future — run parallel then, years lose their significance. Or do they?

If I could time travel to any time in the past, where would I go and what would I change? Have we all not contemplated this possibility at least once in our lifetime? To say that everything has been perfect would be egotistical of me. To say that I wouldn’t change a thing would be a lie too. However, my better sense might advise me that any small change could result in a butterfly effect. I love the coinage of the chaos theory. It gives a lot of significance to the inconsequential flapping of wings of a butterfly, making us believe in the worth of our seemingly irrelevant existence. Having said that, from the point of view of existentialism or rationalism, I believe in the individualism, not of the existential kind, but of the spiritual kind. Hence, I believe in self-worth and the importance of my existence. Because, each soul’s existence is of prime importance in this creation, and that meaning has been the sole purpose of this creation.

For an individual, there is always a room for improvement, and satisfaction with the existing circumstances takes away the zeal to work for the change. Acceptance of the status quo as the will of God is another way to look at it. However, that acceptance in Srimad Bhagavad Gita was to destroy the ego. If Chapter 18, Verse 16 says, “Therefore one who thinks himself the only doer, not considering the five factors, is certainly not very intelligent and cannot see things as they are”, then Gita also lays emphasis on karma. However, the only important karma is devotion towards Him and all actions performed for Him. Any other action is either mechanical or to feed the ego.

I did begin this thought reminiscing the childhood and the things that I could have done differently. I could have tried not to be a rebel. My rebellion was limited to the thought process, and many a times, giving a voice to these thoughts. However, I always ended being more traditional in my actions. I could have been more accepting, saving many a heartache and arguments, and a few friends too. The free-spirited soul in me shaped my personality, making me vocal, loud, aggressive, and restless. This restlessness could have been channelized into education, making me a doctor, perhaps. I could hardly ever picture myself as a girl or woman, coy and graceful. I was always a person, communicating, expressing, behaving, and interacting with others. It took me a long time to read people, to know that mostly I was a girl to them. Most ‘boys’ were not used to being freely spoken to, and misread me. It aggravated me a lot. I would go ballistic, hating the people and the thought. Now, when I have taken solace in the fact that I am old and may be, I am a person now, it still hasn’t worked.

I have so many personal regrets — of not have educated myself enough, of still managing to waste this useful life, of not being as soft-tempered, of being easily irritable, of being loud, and of not being a better mother and a homemaker.

Is it too late to give up the laziness and work harder? Interestingly, I keep going back to the only philosophy I believe unflinchingly — Srimad Bhagavad Gita — The Song of Lord Krsna. I wish that I had more gyan, and devotion. Ultimately, only unconditional love and devotion matters for the spiritual individualism, more than existential life. Even without being all grace and poise, I would like to be a wiser person. Probably, the wisdom brings the poise and the acceptance, along with the much-needed peace.

My wishes are very selfish, only for my most cherished family and self, wishing that 2016 is the year of better self-realisation, a year of more God’s graces, of peace, more love and devotion. May 2016 be the year of revelling in Krsna consciousness, of immersing self in Him.

||Sarvam Sri Krishna Arpanamastu||